Somewhat Painful Progression
Yesterday I began to think that my life was falling apart. Now that sounds stupid and it is, but strange things have happened to me and I am no longer myself. Weird.
OK, an explanation is in order. I looked out across the garden we live next to yesterday afternoon, across the vegetables and flowers that make the view from our apartment so cool, and just stared. I stare because I’ve been doing a lot of that lately. Staring off into the distance,
wondering which choice to make about which stressful issue facing Stacy and I. Or staring into my hands in frustration. Sometimes I have pleasant moments engaged in a long gaze with my beautiful wife. I think I tend to forget that part too often.
As I looked out, I watched people driving up and down the street beyond and people working in the garden. Life carries on as it always does, always progressing. And that’s where it hit me. Life has been moving and full-speed around me and I’ve been moving along with it, probably faster
than I should be. The last 6 months or so have been such a rush that when I take a second to stop now, I realize that I have become an incredibly different person. I think that’s part of my staring problem lately. I feel like I might be a little shell-shocked from the rush of all that’s happened (graduation, friends weddings, *my wedding*, honeymoon, new job, quitting new job, soon to be starting another new job…). The whole idea of taking care of all that stuff in a span of a few months was enticing at first because then at some point, I would arrive on the other side better off and with so much more experience under my belt. Yeah, that’s great and all, but when do we get to that arrival?
Right….like there’s going to be a place in this life where we all feel like we’ve arrived. We kid ourselves thinking that happens, but that’s not what this dance is about, so I don’t think that’s what I’m really looking for. I think what’s happening to me is I’m overwhelmed by the
amount of change that’s happened in my life. I’m scared, because I feel like I’m losing part of my youth. I’m excited because a lot of the things I’ve wanted to happen for a long time (marriage, a real job, a coffee maker that grinds and brews at programmable times) have happened.
And I think with these emotions combining with the stresses of these new experiences, I’ve reached a point where I’m beginning to really feel their impact. That doesn’t leave me with an answer, but it begins to help me understand why I’ve been this way lately. I feel helpless and
somewhat pained, but I suppose that’s the way it goes with this kind of thing.
No witty closing, just a prayer that we all experience this type of realization at some point and that I might be able to press on with confidence.
