twenty-three

Whether it’s the prolonged exposure to the 4 walls of my apartment, the dreary weather, the disconnection from church and work over break, or my recent studies in atheism, I’ve been experiencing a bit of doubt over the past couple weeks. Funny to think it was Christmas only two weeks ago, because I feel very far away from the joy and anticipation of that season.

My faith has experienced a bit of ebbing and flowing over the past few
years in general, as I’ve learned to think critically about what I’ve
known for years and reevaluate what I believe in light of who I am
today. Processing what I believe and how I live that out often leaves
me with nothing but shambles of ideas and insecure footing to stand on.
While I don’t try to break up my faith on purpose, this process of
honestly evaluating who Christ is and what it means to follow him has
left me with more questions than answers. I have felt that by honestly
reflecting on what I hold to be true about the gospel, about church,
about our communities, I am giving my faith an overhaul, a cleansing,
that if followed through, will help me see more clearly the important
parts of a Christ-centered life and drop a lot of the superfluous
pieces.

However, by engaging in this skepticism, I’ve become somewhat cynical
at times. Some parts of me just want to laugh at it all and throw in
the towel. Engaging doubt is a dark thing for me. It makes me question
everything about how I believe. It pulls down joy and replaces it with
sorrow.

On top of this, I’m reading The God Delusion, by renowned
atheist Richard Dawkins, right now for a book discussion group with my
former roommates. Boy, that’s just what I needed to get into right now.
My review of the book is for another post, however. Stacy and I also
just watched a similarly motivated short documentary called "The God
Who Wasn’t There." Both pieces are attacks on belief in a god and in
religion and each, in their own way, does this well. I don’t
necessarily hold either with much critical respect, being that both
fall into the same fundamentalist vein (on the opposite end of the
spectrum) as some Christian speakers who are pretty easy to write off
(i.e. Pat Robertson, Mark Driscoll). However, as I said above, the
wheels of doubt are turning and these atheistic ideas only add fuel to
the fire.

So, where does this all leave me? I feel like I’m walking this fine
line between doubt and faith, held up by hope that these honest
introspective exercises will produce a more robust faith, a humbler
faith, a faith in Christ’s love and live and God’s Word. I want to live
out my faith with authenticity and I feel like this may be a necessary
storm to walk through in order to find that. Please pray for this time
of reflection in my life.

Here’s to living up to my surname in this darkest time of the year:

Jesus and Thomas
But Thomas (who was called the Twin), one of the twelve, was not with
them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, “We have seen
the Lord.” But he said to them, “Unless I see the mark of the nails in
his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in
his side, I will not believe."
A week later his disciples were again in the house, and Thomas was with
them. Although the doors were shut, Jesus came and stood among them and
said, “Peace be with you.” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger
here and see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it in my side. Do
not doubt but believe.” Thomas answered him, “My Lord and my God!”
Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed
are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe.”
John 20:24-28

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